I'm dealing with way to much shit.  Totaled my car, going to court for visitation, dealing with shit from my mother and at work, ect....  Maybe when some shit gets straightened out I'll be back or something?  Maybe... If anyone would still read that is....

~Kes

I've been busy.  I went from being a cashier working stupid long shifts to working in the deli also working stupid long shifts but it hopefully won't be so many days a week/right in the middle of the day so I have no time to do anything.  I always hated shifts like 10a-7p.  No time to do anything.  Deli is basically 7a-4p or 2p-11p for full shifts.  If someone is really needed there might be a middle shift but it would most likely be a 4.5hr shift. I'd say another week or two then I won't want fried food ever.  Which would be good because it's full of calories and grease and neither of those things are good.  I would read and comment on blogs but I haven't been to my computer much and the screen on my phone shattered :'( because I somehow dropped it.  I don't know how.  And the phone insurance company sent me a fucking mesmerize.  I HATE that phone.  That's why I got rid of the first one for a Hero S.  I want a fucking Hero S.  I have court later today to try to get visitation rights to see my daughter.  My ex refuses to let me see her.  I'm nervous.  I'm afraid the judge won't give me visitation.  I'm dating a guy and I like him but I'm not sure how long the relationship will last.  Part of me wants it too and part of me doesn't.  I don't think he will be able to handle being in a relationship with me because we are both bipolar and I have the whole eating issues thing going on and he says to just exercise and eat healthy.  He thought doing sit ups would get rid of belly fat.  I laughed.  No. It'll tighten the muscles but it's cardio that gets rid of fat you you can't spot reduce fat without liposuction and then the fat will just come back elsewhere...  He looked at me like I was crazy for knowing that.  And I told him how many calories where in fat, carbs, and protein. And I told him how healthy different fats were.  I think he thinks the eating disordered sort of mentality is something you can just get over...  It's not and he's going to either have to learn to deal with it or find someone else to date.  In other news I weighed 124 this morning.  I've been having my bloating problems every time I eat again.  I get paid tomorrow.  Gonna have to buy me some more Activia or something.  And I ran out of birth control about 5 days ago (I got more like 2 days ago) but by the time I got it, it was too late.  Period.  Damn.  Damndamndamn.  I hate those things.  I got so bloated I looked like I was pregnant.  And same thing the second day.  And I think I'm still slightly bloated so I am quite happy to see 124 and not higher because if you saw how bloated I've been you would think I was pregnant.  Good thing I wear an apron at work.  Before that my stomach was looking almost flat.  I hope it'll get back to that in a couple days.... I gotta go get ready for court.  I doub anyone will ready thing.  And I know no one will comment because they never do.  That's probably why I don't try as hard to comment anymore.  Because even when I read and comment, no one comments on mine let alone reads it.  I think Ill just quit  I went long enough without blogging that I don't really need it like I used to...

~Kes

13

I've managed to start restricting.  I had 995 calories yesterday.  I weighed 124.5-ish (damn analog scale) today.  And I've had 880 calories today.  I'm not going to have any more.  I have to work early in the morning so I've got to go to bed soon.  I don't have anything else I want to say because no one reads this anyway.

~Kes

12

I've been reading blogs as much as I can but I'm usually short on time and can't comment or have no idea what to say.  I'm stuck trying to decide which job I would rather have.  Work at a farm store or work at Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart offered to move me to the deli yesterday.  It would pay 50 cents more than cashier.  Making it only 10 cents less than the farm store.  I'd probably get more hours in the deli.  But the drive is longer.  But I'd probably like it more and gas is cheaper in Iowa...  I just don't know...  I hate making decisions.  A couple people want me to stay at Wal-Mart just so they can see me more (one works in Wal-Mart electronics and one lives in Iowa and works within walking distance of Wal-Mart).  Both of them like me.  The walking distance one wants to date me but I won't date him til he gets his shit together and proves it to me and the electronics one wants to date but he doesn't feel like he's emotionally stable enough for a relationship (he's socially awkward and hasn't had luck with relationships like at all and he's bipolar - like me - and he has anxiety and he said he had depression too but I can't see that being a separate diagnosis with him - I think it's just the depression part of the bipolar that got him labeled as depressed).  Anyway.  I doubt anyone reads this now since I've been so MIA.  I don't have my bloating issues anymore and I think I'm losing weight.  I just don't want to weigh myself...  I'm just nervous.  I'm gonna try liquid fasting today.  I'm not gonna be too upset if I fail.  I'd try a real fast except I would end up puking because that's what lithium does to me without food or milk (or something similar to milk).  I'll try to weigh in tomorrow.  That's about all I have to say...

~Kes

11

I've been busy with work and dealing with my mother and crazy grandma.  I haven't really had much to say.  Last time I weighed myself I weighed 130.  I hated it.  I almost cried.  It's either related to the stomach/gut issues I've been having or related to the lithium I'm prescribed.  Although the lithium might be causing the weight gain and the stomach/gut issues.  I don't know though.  Tuesday I go back to the psychiatrist.  I really don't want to stay on lithium.  I'm going into a manic phase again.  Lithium is supposed to help that.  It hasn't helped enough.  I need something different.  I've been more irritable and stuff since I've been on this higher dose.  The lower dose wasn't strong enough.  Why can't I just be normal?  My finger has a kind of nasty cut on it.  Thanks to my own stupidity.  That happened yesterday.  I don't really know what else to say...  Maybe after Tuesday I can start some new meds and lose weight...

~Kes

10

So far today I've had a can of soup (~175) and 15 M&Ms (52) and some tea.  Went and saw the psychiatrist today.  Good thing it was today because I ran out of lithium Sunday.  Up to 1200 mg a day now instead of 600.  Gotta go do the blood test like the 12th and go back the 15th.  The psychiatrist used to work at a psych ward I was in.  He worked there while I was there.  I'm starting to wonder if he was my psychiatrist there...  He asked me if I ever had anorexia or bulimia.  Uhhh....  Next question?  So he thinks I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.  Fun...
Had an oral drug test for a job yesterday.  I passed but it was the most annoying thing.  Rub this awkward thing around my mouth then stick in my cheek for 10 minutes and let it get all soggy and nasty then wait another 10 minutes after for the results.  I need a job.  I think it would be easier to lose weight when I have a job.  But it'll get easier as the weather gets warmer too.  If it would ever quit raining though.  I've been stressed and busy lately.  Did I mention my grandma is crazy and isn't allowed to drive so my mom has to drive her everywhere and I get stuck doing everything at home.  I refuse to say my weight.  I feel nauseous.  Damn lithium...  Guess I gotta drink some milk or eat something... >:(

~Kes

9

I don't have much to say.  And I've been having trouble finding words.  I don't know how much I weigh and I don't really care to know.  It's probably still 125.  My mother and I went grocery shopping (finally - it's only been like 4 weeks since my mother had done much in the way of grocery shopping) yesterday?  Or maybe the day before.  I don't remember.  My brain feels fried.  The internet hasn't been working.  I had to do some house work/yard work for my grandma.  She paid me $20.  Then my aunt gave me $60 for gas (I don't have to do shit for her) because of interviews and things.  I had an interview at Wal-Mart today.  Oh, joy...  Not where I want to work but I knew someone who knew managers there.  There is a good chance I'll get hired as long as I pass the drug test and background check (I should pass both unless the meds I'm on give a false positive for something).  And I don't think I mentioned but I went to a "job fair" as it was called.  It was for 1 store so I don't see how it qualifies as a job fair but whatever...  I filled out the application there and then they did an interview and that store called me and had me sign a consent form for a background check.  So hopefully I'll get a job soon so I can afford to drive to the Y and workout and buy workout/weightloss related stuff and healthy food.  I have been working out more but I don't think it's been enough to change my weight.  I don't even know what I'm saying any more...  I need sleep...

~Kes

8

I weighed 125 yesterday.  And the day before that and the day before that...  Today I said fuck it and didn't weigh in.  What's the point?  Analog scales make it pretty much impossible to tell if there is a change in weight unless it's at least .5 lbs.  I also hadn't been exercising much because I had other things to do first (paper work to fill out, places to call for counselling and bills and things like that, appointments to try to get in to a psychiatrist, ect.) but today I managed to get in more exercise.  But I'm incredibly weak now.  I can barely do 50 crunches where that used to be no problem.  I couldn't exercise in the psych ward without looking like an idiot or disturbing people and, well, psych wards have people with anger issues in them and it's best not to do anything to piss them off.  The day before I was released a guy who was probably only 18 was admitted and he was homicidal and liked to fight.  Ok....  I'll just stay over here....  Anyway, while I was there I was diagnosed with bipolar and that wasn't the first time I had that diagnoses but it's probably the first time I was properly medicated for it.  DO NOT put me on an antidepressant!  How long did it take to figure that one out? Oh, only about 3+ years...  How many antidepressants "quit working" (as I called it) and caused a manic to be even worse?  Oh, only about a good half dozen times.  The problem now is I'm on lithium but it isn't a high enough dose.  It was enough in the psych ward where there was no stress but in the real world, it's not enough. What sucks though, is lithium can cause weight gain.  But don't most antidepressants/mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics do that?  Yes, most do.  I've been on lithium in the past and didn't gain then.  I lost weight the first time I was on it.  But I was also at my high weight (155 lbs) and with adding in some exercise (I was previously a couch potato) it wasn't hard to lose a little weight.   Anyway, I'll shut up know because I really don't know what all I said...

~Kes

7

I've been in-patient since Sunday night/Monday morning.  The admit papers say Monday at like 12:15 am.  I spent most of Sunday in the emergency room.  I'm on a day pass so I have to go back tonight and as long as I don't go back completely unstable I can be released tomorrow.  Not sure what time though.  Although I had a thyroid test come back so high the psychiatrist said it was off the chart so I had it redone today.  If it comes back high again I don't know if the psychiatrist will make me stay longer to find out why or just send me out and tell me to go have a normal doctor look at it and figure out what's wrong.  And I kind of have a mess with counselling/psychiatry when I leave the psych ward but I'll just figure it out when I'm out because otherwise I'll just be stuck there longer.  So yeah....  That's what's going on.

~Kes

6

Well, I thought I wasn't sick anymore, but... My salivary gland or lymph node (not sure which it is but does that really matter?) is swollen to the point where you can see it by just looking at me.  It hurts to touch and it hurts if I turn my head too much.  I get migraines and my parents decided I have the mumps.  I was vaccinated for that though.  But vaccinations aren't always 100% effective and most of the symptoms fit so maybe I have a milder/less severe case?  Well, aside from the migraines, I feel fine.  I weighed 123/124 or so yesterday and the same today.  I hate using my parents' analog scale.  I like digital scales better.  The numbers are too squished together on analog scales so you can't tell what it is.  But I'm hoping to get down to at least 115 by the end of April.  My sister's birthday is tomorrow so my family is going out to eat tonight.  Oh, joy....  I hope everyone is having a good day.

~Kes

5

Well, I have no idea what I weigh and have not been exercising much and eating a normal amount like a normal person.  I eat when I'm hungry and I eat what sounds good because how else am I supposed to get healthy?  But now I feel pretty much healthy (physically anyway... mentally I'm really REALLY fucked up...) and am ready to exercise again and diet.  I'm not sure how to go about it though so I guess I'll begin moderate exercising at home.  As for dieting, I'm not sure.  My parents will be around for the weekend so I'll just see how things go.  I'm really not in the mood to talk...  I just wanna crawl in a hole and die...

~Kes

4

I think I'm sick but I don't know.  I had a tooth pulled Tuesday and have been living on pain killers since which reduce fever so if I have a fever I wouldn't know.  I was given permission to purge once a day.  As long as I do it right.  It all started with me feeling sick.  I was given permission to speed along the process of getting sick.  And according to a lovely little website Cymbalta has an off label use to help treat bulimia.  And guess who quit taking their meds because she was having horrible anger episodes?  Me.  And guess who started having bulimic thoughts after quitting the Cymbalta?  Me.  In case you didn't know I used to purge daily from age like 12 or 13 until I was almost 16 (like 1.5 months before I turned 16 I drastically cut back because of a guy).  So yes.  This is my life right now.  I'll be back when I'm not sleeping all day and night.  I was awake for like 6 hours total yesterday.  I wake up when my mouth starts hurting and go back to sleep when the pain killers finally kick in.

~Kes

3

Life is stressful right now.  I keep gaining weight even though I have nets of like 800 or so.  I was 125 this morning.  So much stress.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I need a job.  I need a lot of things...  I feel miserable and everyone is expecting me to stay positive and not get stressed or upset and they're only making things worse.  I've been suicidal and turning violent.  It's not good.

~Kes

2

Yesterday I did 30 minutes of weight machines at the Y and tried to eat healthy.  But my food options were limited and my stomach has not been agreeing with food lately.  So today I haven't eaten too much.  Just a little here and there.  Some asparagus and potatoes and milk so far.  I've done some stretching but that's about it for exercise so far.  Quite a boring day.  I think I'll go for a walk/run and read some blogs.  Then search for my weights and work out some.  I weighed 123 but I think I'm bloated from food not agreeing.

~Kes

1

So to begin with, I am 20 years old and I want to be a bantamweight MMA fighter.  I am currently 121 pounds.  I'm 5'4.5" so 105 is technically underweight.  But I want to prove to myself and others that you can be healthy and have a BMI that is considered "unhealthy".  There are athletes with BMIs that put them at overweight or underweight because of how their bodies are built.  I believe I can fight at 105 and be healthy and maintain that weight.  Cutting weight would be more unhealthy than maintaining because cutting weight is usually done in extreme ways such as severe restriction and over exercising while wearing sweat suits and some go as far as purging.  Dehydration is very likely to occur when cutting weight.  So I want to maintain and be healthy, happy, and fit.  So this is me on a journey to become a fighter at 105.

~Kes