Friday, March 30, 2012

5

Well, I have no idea what I weigh and have not been exercising much and eating a normal amount like a normal person.  I eat when I'm hungry and I eat what sounds good because how else am I supposed to get healthy?  But now I feel pretty much healthy (physically anyway... mentally I'm really REALLY fucked up...) and am ready to exercise again and diet.  I'm not sure how to go about it though so I guess I'll begin moderate exercising at home.  As for dieting, I'm not sure.  My parents will be around for the weekend so I'll just see how things go.  I'm really not in the mood to talk...  I just wanna crawl in a hole and die...

~Kes

Sunday, March 25, 2012

4

I think I'm sick but I don't know.  I had a tooth pulled Tuesday and have been living on pain killers since which reduce fever so if I have a fever I wouldn't know.  I was given permission to purge once a day.  As long as I do it right.  It all started with me feeling sick.  I was given permission to speed along the process of getting sick.  And according to a lovely little website Cymbalta has an off label use to help treat bulimia.  And guess who quit taking their meds because she was having horrible anger episodes?  Me.  And guess who started having bulimic thoughts after quitting the Cymbalta?  Me.  In case you didn't know I used to purge daily from age like 12 or 13 until I was almost 16 (like 1.5 months before I turned 16 I drastically cut back because of a guy).  So yes.  This is my life right now.  I'll be back when I'm not sleeping all day and night.  I was awake for like 6 hours total yesterday.  I wake up when my mouth starts hurting and go back to sleep when the pain killers finally kick in.

~Kes

Thursday, March 22, 2012

3

Life is stressful right now.  I keep gaining weight even though I have nets of like 800 or so.  I was 125 this morning.  So much stress.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I need a job.  I need a lot of things...  I feel miserable and everyone is expecting me to stay positive and not get stressed or upset and they're only making things worse.  I've been suicidal and turning violent.  It's not good.

~Kes

Monday, March 19, 2012

2

Yesterday I did 30 minutes of weight machines at the Y and tried to eat healthy.  But my food options were limited and my stomach has not been agreeing with food lately.  So today I haven't eaten too much.  Just a little here and there.  Some asparagus and potatoes and milk so far.  I've done some stretching but that's about it for exercise so far.  Quite a boring day.  I think I'll go for a walk/run and read some blogs.  Then search for my weights and work out some.  I weighed 123 but I think I'm bloated from food not agreeing.

~Kes

Saturday, March 17, 2012

1

So to begin with, I am 20 years old and I want to be a bantamweight MMA fighter.  I am currently 121 pounds.  I'm 5'4.5" so 105 is technically underweight.  But I want to prove to myself and others that you can be healthy and have a BMI that is considered "unhealthy".  There are athletes with BMIs that put them at overweight or underweight because of how their bodies are built.  I believe I can fight at 105 and be healthy and maintain that weight.  Cutting weight would be more unhealthy than maintaining because cutting weight is usually done in extreme ways such as severe restriction and over exercising while wearing sweat suits and some go as far as purging.  Dehydration is very likely to occur when cutting weight.  So I want to maintain and be healthy, happy, and fit.  So this is me on a journey to become a fighter at 105.

~Kes